simply homemaker

For about once a year, there is one day where I’m so sad that I would close all my curtains, put my fluffy socks on, and crawl into my bed and cry.

Today was that day. I just started falling asleep when my friend Veselina (who didn’t know I was taking my sad nap) knocked on my door to ask for some matches and want to see if I want to do homework and listen to Christmas music with her.

I’m so thankful she did, because I got out of my bed and went to the kitchen and listened to some Christmas music.

About a year and a half ago, I remembered having a very similar day. I had just lost my job. My cozy apartment had been emptied out, and I was about to move my whole life out of it. I was thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend, who was not really following the Lord. I realized I wanted a different job. I remember crying so hard on the couch with my roommate’s mom, who told me that everything was going to be ok. “No,” I thought, “it wasn’t going to be ok. It’s a mess.”

Today, I am sitting in the St. Gallen Abbey court, next to the large baroque cathedral, listening to the evening bells ring as I wrote these words. To be honest, I again feel very sad and defeated. I feel scared, and I am uncertain about the future, even as I’m spending time in the most beautiful country I have ever been to.

So today I write this blog as a little reminder that I’ve come a long way over the past year.

This past year, I learned to cook in the oldest and smallest kitchen I’ve ever had. I started a whole new degree. I took a break from dating and took it seriously. I loved my friends. I decided to go live in Europe for 3 months. I drove across the country for a job. I saw more car mechanics than I ever want to see in my life. I learned how an airplane works. I was sick, and was broke most of the time, but I learned how credit cards work and how budgets work as well. I made the trip to a little small town in Kansas to be a bridesmaid for one of my best friends. I even babysat for a living.

I changed my life work.

And that last part was the bravest thing I’ve done, next to saying yes to Jesus.

My whole life I was trained and expected to perform. I was always the good kid at school, with the good grades and the shining extra-curriculars. I was always doing something new, something “better.”

It’s truly really hard to break out of those expectations and pick your own life, I’ll just tell you that.

These expectations are exactly the things that drove me to my knees and led me to following Jesus, who told me that “the last shall be first.” He called me to want a different life.

I now want a full life, an abundant one. A life where my community and the family I build for myself are central. A life where my service to the Lord takes precedence. And to make that happen, my life work needs to change.

And I’ve learned that not every person in your life will be supportive of your decisions, and that’s ok.

Four months ago, I picked up a book called “Create A Life You Love” by Stephanie May Wilson. If you’re a close friend of mine, you probably have already heard about it. It changed my life and sort of gave me a stamp of freedom to make decisions for my life. For the first time, I truly considered what God wants for my life.

So here I am, sad and curled up like a ball in the abbey square with my laptop, but confident that I’m making a decision that will change my life forever.

I want to tell you that to pick a life that you truly want is HARD. Not everybody will agree with you and understand you. And that’s ok.

Remember my blog talking about how walking is the best remedy on a sad day? Yes, today, I just got to put that into practice.

St. Gallen is beautiful in the fall. I love the sunsets from the three ponds, seeing the city from above. I love the quiet afternoons in the abbey. I love the green pastures with cows grazing right next to my classroom. I love the fallen leaves and the misty fog in the morning. I love it all – truly wish I can keep this memory in a bottle and have it forever.

I also started cooking again. I made some schnitzel and noodles for lunch today, and this tofu tomato mushroom soup for dinner last night. Bible study just started back up, and yesterday’s study and reunion with the Molls was so good I could cry about it. My friends have been sweet, and I have many reasons to be thankful about daily life living by the little abbey.

I do have new adventures coming up, as I’m approaching the end of my time here. I will be visiting my dad’s aunt in Prague in about a week and one of my childhood friends in Germany just a couple of days later. I haven’t seen either of them for years! It’s a special opportunity to have this chance to connect with people in my life while being in Europe, and I’m looking forward to it all.

It’s days like this where I thank the Lord for the little messages He sprinkles along the way for me to find. This is the season to become small, strong, and wise, just like the edelweiss flower growing in the hard but beautiful conditions. For my shepherd knows me by my name.

And that is enough.

For those who wonder – I’m doing ok. Just really want to be honest with you about my whole journey, because it’s not all adventures and friendship and sunshine. It includes tradeoffs that I wasn’t even prepared for. And the truth is, it might continue to be hard.

But we keep the faith.

Love,

Tram